Chris Hardwick (Hard N'Phirm)

I am Chris Hardwick. You probably recognize me from TV. You don't realize that's where you know me from, but it is. You think you went to college with me or I look like your cousin's friend, but that is not the case. At one time or another you stumbled across me on your moving picture box in such cerebral gems as MTV's Singled Out and Noam Chomsky's Shipmates. I was also in House of 1000 Corpses, which you were afraid to see because horror films make you pee a little. I was also in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, which you are somewhat reluctant to give me credit for, because I was only in a couple of scenes and I was not a robot. When I told you about, Guys Like Us, a series I did on UPN, you replied, “I don't get cable,” ignorant of the fact that UPN was freely available in many of the contiguous United States (until its black heart was sliced out and carelessly jammed inside the WB's desiccated corpse to form the Franken-channel of "The CW"). “I was on KROQ in Los Angeles for THREE YEARS!” “Radio is a dead medium,” you scoffed. “Well, I'm not only an alumnus of the 2001 US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, CO, but I went back in 2005 as half of the musical comedy duo Hard ‘N Phirm!” “Why would I care about stand-up comedy amid a bunch of drunken, nouveau-riche mountain dwellers and their many unnecessary art galleries?” “But our bluegrass medley of Radiohead songs entitled, ‘Rodeohead' has been downloaded like a million times! Surely that must…” “Meh.” Your judgments against me are growing tiresome. Still, I'm nowhere near being done with you yet. More of me can hit you in your apathy-wrinkled brain, like my vocal portrayal of the male-uddered cow 'Otis' in Nickelodeon's television adaptation of the cinematic powerhouse The Barnyard, which confirmed my long-standing suspicions that I am a low-rent Kevin James. Rob Zombie is producing my solo comedy album, Blood Pudding, AND I did a CSI for crapsake!! I have also been on more pilots than you, ranging from Network Television to upstart cable firms like CNN, demonstrating a wide berth of talents from hosting all the way to pretending. Sadly, you will ne'er see any of those, for they are decaying in a failure-vault in the catacombs of Hollywood, forever suppressed by the Industry Fat Cats who run this glitzy crapberg. Truthfully, I don't care if or how you know me, or what opinions of me have formed like wax bottles in your important head. Just enjoy me NOW. I am from Memphis and my father was a professional bowler. Thank you for giving this indulgent essay one hundred and four seconds of your life that you will never get back.